pre ep musings

feeling like im gonna return to this at some point

okay hi hello i am currently writing this a mere few DAYS before my debut ep ‘rumination as ritual’ comes out and i am feeling sooooooooooo many different things at once. obviously i’m excited, because there’s a part of me that feels like this is the cement that holds together the claim that i am actually doing this and that i am legitimately a musician and an artist - this is my first body of work that i can put out and say is mine. however that is also terrifying, because it’s a first, and there’s something quite final about that in my brain - you only get one first ep. i’m also feeling unsure; unsure of what people are going to think, unsure of how i’m going to feel when it is finally out, and most of all, unsure of where it’s gonna take me - but that actually could be the most exciting part.

i’ve said this multiple times but the thing i’m most proud about with this ep is how much i feel that it is true to me, and to my life, and how personal they are to things that have happened to me. some of my favourite artists - taylor, gracie, lizzy, i could go on - they all have written about their lives and have just been lucky that their way of saying things has spoken so sincerely to those who have listened. that is all i have ever wanted to do. if someone listens to a song i’ve written and feels as though it speaks to something happening in their life, and brings them comfort, that makes me the happiest ever ever ever.

i thought it could be fun to run through the track list and tell you what each song meant to me and why i love it so new friends and old friends alike can get a little context to what the fuck i’m on about.

eat me alive - wrote it about a boy i was deeply deeply deeply in love with when i first moved to london. all my friends know who it is and find it hilarious. i still would drop everything for this man. he isn’t interested. but i have had this feeling about a billion different people and so it’s nice that when i get a brand new crush, i get this song to lean on.

the pit - this song i find really funny, it’s about my pessimism, and believing that there’s no point getting to know someone, falling for them, dating them for a while when you know it’s not gonna work out in the end. i fully believe the idea behind this song, until i fancy someone again and somehow that makes all the stress and horror worth it. i even said at my show, maybe this song isn’t true! maybe we should fall in love! nope.

CRUSH! - there’s always that person who thinks everyone is in love with them, and the only person i find more annoying than that, is someone who thinks that I am in love with them. CRUSH! kinda started out as a joke, of what I would say to this obnoxious yet undeniably attractive guy if I could, and then it ended up becoming this big, outrageous pop song whereby I am fully in control of everyone’s perception of me-I am hot and I certainly do not care about a man. Ever!

break me- this is my little self-sabotage song. there was a guy i used to like who would claim to like me, but he’d only text me to come over at 2am, so i’m sure we can all agree he didn’t like me as much as he claimed. i was fully aware of the games he was playing, but sometimes i would think about going over, just for the plot, for the fun, to be spontaneous. i did not. i still might. call me.

situationship - the chorus of this song says “i think that i love you a little more than we agreed” and i think that that in itself depicts the idea of the whole song. agreeing to a relationship in which you do everything except love is such a scary scary thing, and i know that i myself cannot do it. when i wrote the song, i actually was writing it about something one of my friends had gone through, as opposed to myself, however i am finding this song more and more relatable as time goes on. people are confusing and people mix signals and this song has actually helped me out massively and feels possibly THE most personal to me at the minute. it’s funny how it has grown on me.

lucy - there was a girl back home who everyone loved; all the girls, all the boys, and she seemed to love everyone back. i saw a slightly different side to her which was quite isolating at the time, and so i was left with this amalgamation of emotions whereby i loved her, hated her, was envious of her, wanted to be her, wanted her to disappear all at once etc. she was probably okay but at the time it was very confusing. i think we all have a lucy, and even though i wrote it about a very specific person from my past, i have definitely listened to it in the present and it’s related to other people, or tofriendships that i can’t tell if they are more or not. i love the way this song has meant different things to me.

all in all, i am terrified, excited, hopeful, grateful, THE LIST GOES ON, because the fact i get to do this is quite frankly everything i have ever wanted to do, but also something i don’t think i realised until quite late on that i could. i spent so many years thinking that making music, and being an artist was a totally unattainable thing for me, so i am indebted to you for making me believe that i truly can do it. i am so so so so very excited to see what you guys think of the ep - you are the reason this is possible, and i can’t thank you enough for all of the support you have shown to me up until now. this ep is yours as much as it is mine. not long now. love you. see you on the other side.